Subconsciously Processing Fear

Last night, after trying formal meditation for a few days, I sort of gave up on it. I decided that the state I was attempting to achieve had been one that came naturally to me for years. With prayer, focus on Yahuwah, and depending on what my mind is on, how I position my body in bed, and my intentions, I go into a place of “unsleep” for most of the night. It leaves me restless, but in this place my subconscious mind or Yah, depending on how you look at it, tells my consciousness stories that I usually use to make sense of the world and of myself.  These stories often reveal my own flaws and fears or act out the remedy. This same natural meditation taught me to solve problems and braid hair when I was a kid. My dad says he has this same gift which taught him to design complex metal works for the oilfield industry and fix complicated mechanical problems.

Just a few days ago, after reading the book “Rejection Proof” about a guy who purposefully sought out rejection for 100 days, I “dreamed” I was in a Walmart where instead of selling consumer goods, different employers chose job candidates. I went through every single employer being turned away and critiqued, sometimes harshly. One girl went so far as to tell me I was awkward and that even the way I moved my hands was off-putting. After getting turned down by what seemed like hundreds of employers and crying through every single interview, I woke up just as I stood before the last employer, a white women with a friendly and accepting demeanor. Something in me knew that this was the one that wouldn’t turn me away. I woke up feeling as if I had endured so much rejection that it didn’t even matter how much more I’d have to endure in real life.

Well, as I reverted back to my natural meditation habits, it happened again. This time, I was in a familiar old house (my aunt’s old house in real life) with a bunch of small children, as if it were a daycare. We were being chased by a huge wild lion. I was the only adult and had to protect these children so I ushered them from room to room each time only narrowly escaping this predator. This happened 6 times. In my mind, each time was a different type of challenge that proved that I had prevailed over some character flaw. The purpose of the 7th room was to overcome fear. I opened up the bedroom window and put all the children out and followed behind them. But as I looked back and closed the window, which I knew couldn’t hold this massive beast for long, I realized that all the times before I had overcome something which allowed me to move to another room, but this time I was just running away. I knew that I had to overcome fear and as I considered how I was supposed to do this, I found myself standing before the lion which was now a small pup. I pet the pup (something I’m sure I would never do in real life) and each time I did, it grew until it was its original size. Before I knew it, I was face to face with that huge lion and unafraid. I’d overcome my fear by facing it with a new perspective. The perspective that I was in control all along and that if I see the things I fear for what they truly are and have been throughout time, I can find the courage to face it and even the courage to finesse it a little.

These are not unique experiences. My mind always finds a way to help me through dissonance as long as I keep pursuing harmony. I don’t think I’m unique either. I believe that we all have this ability. We were built for self-repair. It’s this ability that we refer to as human adaptation and evolution.

After I’d overcome this fear lion, I heard a voice say “There’s no more time to waste.” and I began remembering experiences I had in 2016. I was reminded of a 3 and a 1/2 year deadline and the October 2020 date that I’d heard in an experience similar to these. I immediately woke up and went back to read my journals from 2015 and 2017 (the time the really intense experiences started). I came across experiences that I did not remember… Experiences such as attending my own funeral on a rainy day and being dead but trapped on earth.

In all honesty, I don’t know what to think or how to feel right now. The good news is that I’m not afraid! Also, I do know that there is something that all this should be inspiring me to do more aggressively. Question is, what is that something?

To answer this question, I’ve resorted to entertaining the idea that I am supposed to believe wholeheartedly that this is my last year of earthly life. And in this belief, I must identify the things that are most important to accomplish. As I went through a list of things I thought were most important to me like getting a job, making a difference in the world, impacting people’s lives, and finding my own wholeness in any of it. I could see these ideas floating in the space in my head with big red X marks over them. Only two things passed the test… Family and a legacy to leave them with. That is, the only thing that seemed important anymore was making sure my family knew I loved them and that I leave them with something to use to help them through their lives and their grief, should I actually die.

Still, in the back of my mind, this will inspire me to put together some masterpiece or make some moves that I can, in 10 years, attribute to this belief that I have one year to live. Perhaps it’s just wishful thinking or something! I don’t know.

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