Spiritual Dilemmas

Below is a poetic rendering of my most recent spiritual dilemmas. This is my sincere cry to Yahuwah. I am sharing it because I believe God wants me to share the messages it revealed to me with you.

Oh Father, how my soul longs for you. Master, I long to be in your presence. My guilt overcomes me, for I have forsaken the world as you told me, yet it is the world which you gave me. Am I blessed to be seperate or cursed for ungratefullness?

I reject the world and all of its evils… And though I love you with all my flesh and soul, aren‘t those things which you have given me while I am yet in this world to be treasured?  That is, my people, love, and purpose which you have given me…Shouldn’t I desire to be with them also? For it is only for these that I live. Yet, I rather be with You in the presence of my Lamb.

You have blessed me beyond measure, yet I long for more, but my yearning is no longer quenched by the things in this world. So am I guilty of greed also? Should I be satisfied?

I am at an empass… I loathe the thought of a long life in this current world, and for this I also feel convicted. Not that I want to take my life, but that I am anxious for you to take me… On earth or in heaven, so long as You are a constant presence – not only in me, but in all who are Yours. And on earth, this pesence must be gathered as one… A scattered presence only inceases my yearning for Your return or my return to You.

I see Your truth but then the world makes me wonder if its my mind’s deceptions. Yet, You have proven the world wrong over and over again. Still I struggle going back and forth to check and recheck my truth, which You have given me, with Yours which is in Your written word. So again, I am filled with guilt… Why do I test Your spirit. Why haven’t I yet learned to trust Your voice over man’s doubt and deception? Or is it righteous to test myself and the sprits? Is testing necessary to remain humble toward You and to increase my knowledge and understanding of You?

Now my soul is weary as I battle the doubts of others everyday…not mines but theirs burdening me. Some say I shouldn’t hear Your voice or see Your plans. Surely I cannot feel Your love for Your people and see their pain like a bird flying over tragedy, circling the prey of man.

They say I shouldn’t be too spiritual…But if my life is not dedicated to the condition of my eternal spirit, then what will it be dedicated to… My temporal flesh? As though I have a choice. They don’t know that You are in control.

Yes…the world’s ignorance makes me weary…yet another reason to feel convicted. Shouldn’t my patience be long-lasting like Yours? Where would I be if You had grown weary with my ignorance? Yet, I do hate what You hate and love what You love. It is my impatience that drives my passion for Your will to be done on earth as it is in heaven. And is it impatience if I never give up?

Their doubts cause me to question… Am I pleasing You or am I storing up wrath for myself? Am I helping Your people, or tearing them apart, or do I even have an impact at all? Have I dissappointed You, failing You and myself? Or Have I accomplished all that You purposed for me? Am I lost or am I found? Does it matter what I do outside of finding my own way back to You? Am I enough for You or should I do more?

Father, these are my dilemmas. At the deapth of it all there is a single request, yet it escapes me. But You know everything about me. Fullfill this phantom request which has been hidden even from me, deep within my spirit. This request which You placed in me to be made at an appointed time.

In the moment when man’s doubt try to become mine, I recall the everlasting image You gave me of myself standing before Your throne in pure perfection, thanking You. The pure white garments, gold belt, and gold headband… How could I forget, even for a moment? So then the image of me through Your eyes returns to my mind… And at last I am comforted again. I now know why You showed me this brief moment in heaven…it is my weapon to overcome doubt and discouragement.

So, it doesn’t matter how long I’m here or how evil the world around me becomes or how many mistakes I make as I am on this journey back to You… What matters is that I will return to You. I know because I have seen, and neither the world, nor the devil, nor any adversarial power can make me forget my destination…nor can they change it. Because it is what you ordained and have spoken, even in my own ears.

So I will continue to long for You because You put the longing in me. And I will continue to love those whom You have given me, because You gave them. And I will serve the purpose for which You have purposed me, because its Your purpose, even when I don’t understand. I will do all these things until You give me my portion of Your eternal presense!

My Father will never leave me!

So perhaps, if one has no questions about their spiritual health and wellbeing, they are either spiritually or physically dead.

Maybe, knowing that we are imperfect keeps us seeking the face and approval of God.

Perhaps it is this complex image that confuses so many. There is always room to argue the other point. The key is trusting in Yah and not in man. Its devoting our hearts to Him, bowing to Him, and Him only, to receive our portion from Him. It is understanding that the foundations of our beliefs are mostly man made, thus opposite of Yah’s truth, and be opened to accept God for who He is – even when it differs from what we think we know.  Its remembering what He gave us and testing everything according to it – as we seek to give it back to Him.

Father, since you gave me my image in heaven, I shall give you my spirit in heaven. And since you give me your word that I am chosen, I shall give you myself as one who is chosen. Since, you said that I would be redeemed, than I will submit myself to Your conditions for my redemption. Whatever You give me, that shall I give back You!

So, the goal then is not to appear to know it all, or to settle on not knowing enough. Its not to come off as wiser, better, or more righteous but true and humble…understanding that we must all rely on God now and for eternity. It is acknoledging that even our errors and the errors of others work for the good of God’s people.

No matter how much we know, see, or hear, we must always look to and rely on Him, because in humility we submit, knowing that He is the Source, Light, and Truth!

And if at any moment, we error in ignorance, He will deliver us into His knowledge, when we seek it. If at any time we act without His approval, we shall be reminded by Him to seek His understanding and shall receive it.

This is perfection in the eyes of God… Being teachable, eager to receive His convictions as we are to receive His blessings. Questioning our righteousness and constantly aligning ourselves to His image. Desiring that which He desires and loving all that he loves. Forsaking all that He forsakes, and separating ourselves from all that He hates. Supporting all that He supports and abandoning all that inspires His anger.

Even then, we will be in error according to the standards of man, but in the eyes of God we are being perfected! Thus, Yahushua says, “Be ye perfect even as your Father in heaven is perfect.” Today I proclaim that perfection is imminent for those who belong to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob… Three imperfect people according to the standards of man, but perfect according to Yah’s purpose. Such is true with this generation!

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